How Come?

With it being Infertility National Awareness Week I thought I'd share a few thoughts that have been milling around in my head lately. Lucky for you.

Recently, I was getting to know an acquaintance better. We asked each other the usual questions: are you married, how many kids, where you from? She then asked if I wanted more kids and I said "yes, very much so". Then comes the awkward moment of do I bring up the fact that it's something we can't choose or just let it go? I see her enough that I figured I better just lay it out there and not make her feel bad when she finds out later.

"My daughter was adopted so it's not a very easy thing for us to have more kids." Said me trying to say it in a easy going manner.

"Oh can you not have kids?"

"No." (Was that not obvious?)

Now here comes the question all of us infertiles love some much. (Note the sarcasm).

"How come?"

What I always want to say at this moment is "non ya." "Why do you care?" "Do you think you can cure me?" "I'm sure you have a friend that had the same issue and magically got pregnant (she did)." "Aliens came and stole my reproductive organs so they could make human babies on the planet of Zorg."

First off don't ever ever EVER ask someone why they can't have babies. Is it okay to wonder? Sure. But don't you dare ask.

"How come" is always asked in such a nonchalant way. Like all the invasive tests and unknowns were so easy and when you do have a few reasons why you can't pregnant you easily move on. NOT!

She didn't see me bawling like a baby in my doctor's office or again when I told my mom over the phone. For me to give you a careless answer to such a relaxed "how come" would demean all I've been through.

Secondly, you don't know more than my doctors do. Chances are, we've heard it all.

Thirdly, we don't want to talk about our husbands sperm and I'm pretty sure our husbands don't want us to either. That's just weird. Don't be weird. Again, there are a team of medical people we've already talked to. That was bad enough.

Be understanding that our "how come" may be very personal. You wouldn't want someone asking about your, uh um..."bed life" would you?

Fourthly, if you've had a friend or relative or dog that has had similar experiences you should already know better. Okay, but seriously...that doesn't mean their experience will be the same as ours. So far I have not magically gotten pregnant and maybe I don't want to try eating only broccoli while standing on my head. Our paths are different. Get over it.

What you can say is this. "I've had a sister/cousin/friend go through a similar experience and I witnessed how hard it was for them. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this." "If you need someone to listen I'm here." I'll keep you in my prayers." Get the idea? If we infertiles ask questions back then you may share your thoughts.

Lastly, don't feel down on yourself if you think you have done this. I'm sure I've offended others multiple of times not understanding what they're really going through. I honestly like the girl that most recently asked me why we couldn't get pregnant. I know she didn't mean to hurt me and I'm sure she has trials I lack in knowledge about too. I just hope I helped give a little insight into my world of thinking so you can better understand others like me.

Happy Infertility Awareness Week. Now you are all a little more aware.

Blog Redo

I'm in my late 20s, wife to a very patient husband, mother to a beautiful girl through the greatness of adoption. I blog of my struggles with endometriosis, the woes of infertility, and the joys those things can bring. This is our story...

This is how my profile reads.  It's true no doubt, but sometimes I feel I should add a few things.  Like maybe...

This blog is about a girl who doesn't sew or have time for crafty things.  Her walls are not covered with the latest designs.  She can't show you new things like how to make an amazing dinner.  In fact nachos are on the menu tonight.   There are canned olives involved so it should get pretty crazy up in here.   She works part time and comes home tired.  Nothing gets done at home when the little one is awake except an occasional block tower or amazing colored pencil drawing.  Crayons are for eating in these parts.    If you show up unannounced her house will be covered with toys and papers will hide the kitchen counters.  She has no idea how to coupon so don't even bring it up.  Yep, this blog will get you NO WHERE.  You better click away fast! 

 

Now that I sound like a depressed wife and mother let me clarify.  When I first became a mom I felt the need to be perfect.  Okay let me back up.  When I knew my becoming a mother depended on others deciding if I could even BE a mother meaning getting approved to adopt and knowing a mother would choose us to parent her child, that's when I decided I had to be perfect.  

Guess what?  I'm not perfect. 
Parenting is hard.  Big surprise!  Life is confusing.  No Kidding!  Things don't go as planned.  No one said they would!

I was talking to a client once about some worries and she flat out told me "You think everything has to be a certain way.  You need to let it go."  

How right she is.  I've thought a lot about it and decided that average is perfect for me.  At this time is my life a lot has to be set aside.  If that means my house is never the cutest/cleanest who cares?  Will I still envy moms that seem to have it altogether and then some?  Heck ya I will!  Hopefully from now on I'll only work on Lacey's kind of perfect.  Not a Pinterest kind of perfect.

I'm Lacey.  Welcome to a blog about enjoying, but also surviving parenthood.  My husband and I have a beautiful daughter through adoption.  We have no idea how or when our next child will come so why not stay a while and watch our journey?  You won't find fun new ideas here, but I hope you get a sense of how hard I try to be a good mom and raise a happy child.  For that you see, is my ultimate goal.

Back to the Future

Isn't it funny how when you look back on something it all seems so clear? That's how I feel about our Artificial Inseminations. Obviously now that I know they didn't work I can tell you it wasn't meant to be. Like when you're dating someone that's no good for you, but you can't see it until the relationship is over. Something like that.

I didn't cry the day the last test came out negative. I was more pissed and confused at life. Too shocked to have tears. There was some real devastation in there as well. I was so sure one of the cycles would work that it didn't cross my mind that they wouldn't. Gregg and I didn't even talk about it for days. Too sensitive of a subject. One we didn't understand or have a clear picture of yet.

It's not that I regret doing AI's or even did right after they were over. I knew it eventually had to be done and the timing was right for that, just not for adding an addition to our family. Our inability to get pregnant that way had to be proven.

In talking to my doctor recently he said we could do as many AI's as we wanted, but that he did think we put in our best effort and it was now time to move on. I feel at peace that we did our part.

I have moved on from the disappointment of the AI's. Gregg and I have now had many conversations about it. I've even shed some tears. I feel it is important to morn the loss of a child that never was, before we can jump whole heartily to another path. It doesn't sting so much anymore. It is what it is and we're ready to move on. Although at times I feel a pierce of what could have been, this experience has made me except our infertility that much more. Which in looking back I can say I've come a long way. Like half way across the world long. Not quite around the world, but half and I'm okay with that.

Now we're ready to look to the future. We've decided through much thought and prayer, fasting, and more prayer that adoption is our next step. I get butterflies when I picture us being privileged to welcome a new baby to our family through adoption. I hope and pray we do. We so want more children and we so want Emme to experience siblings like we did.

So, with that said, welcome paper work and all that jazz...the Alexander's are ADOPTING!

Failure to Conceive

Emme is 20 months old. It feels like she's always been here and yet time has flown by. She is still so smart and I love that I can understand most of what she says and wants. Just today she called a banana, banana instead of nana. It was bittersweet. She still adds a lot of jibber jabber in the mix too. I'll be sad the day she fully loses her baby talk.
With Emme being the age she is I have noticed people with kids her age are starting to get pregnant. I know Gregg and I would be too if we could. In fact in January 2011 I had a disappointing appointment with my doctor. The pain from my endometriosis was getting strong again despite being on birth control to help keep it at bay. I was told I needed to go on Lupron again and after it had calmed my endo we needed to go straight to infertility treatments to try and get pregnant. You see thats the best thing for endometriosis. I completely lost it in front of my doctor. He was very sweet and comforting but couldn't change the lot I've been given.
Emme was only about 4 months old at the time and a lot of my tears came from not having a long enough break from my endo/infertility and I didn't know if I could handle being on a crazy drug while being a new mom. Of course i want more kids and Emme to have siblings, but did I have to think about it so soon? I had the tender mercy while on it that although it was hard at times (ie. cyst bursting, shingles, and catching any sickness that came around because of my low immune system) I got through the emotions Lupron puts you through. It actually seemed better than the previous times crazytown wise.
The Lupron eventually wore off in July and we were able to start artificial inseminations in August. It didn't work that month and we had a strong feeling I needed to have a surgery to clear out the remaining endo to give us the best chance to get pregnant. After my laparoscopy my insides were the clearest they've been in years and years. We felt really good about our choice to continue AI's.
Month after month we were disappointed when each test came out negative. I can honestly say I still had hope after each failed attempt that we had a baby coming soon. I really felt we were doing the right thing. One month I even "felt" very pregnant and my due date would have been around Halloween. We talked about cute ways to tell our families one of which included telling everyone Emme was going as a big sister for Halloween this year. Sure enough the test came out negative and I realized it was probably just the Clomid making me feel pregnant. A cruel joke if you ask me.
We kept everything very private for multiple reasons. It was hard enough to tell Gregg I wasn't pregnant let alone anyone else. We also wanted to shock everyone with our news. Something we've always been jealous of others for.
The time came for our last AI. I still had hope. I could just see our Heavenly Father making us endure and granting our wish right at the end. Like always though the endo pain came right after ovulating and to our devastation the time came to test and it was yet again negative. Goodbye, hope.
It looked like our enduring was really only beginning.

Yo' Dude

What's up in our neck of the woods you ask? Survival of winter. Although it has been a very lax winter we are ready for warmth. I always wonder why we don't have a trip planned to somewhere tropical this time of year. I mostly blame the green stuff for that.

Poor Gregg had the Klondike campout with the scouts and loved freezing for two days. Have I mentioned that on top of 2nd counselor in the young men's Gregg is also scout master? Punishment for his teenage days let me tell ya.  I am also 2nd counselor in the young women's so we like to think of Tuesdays as date night.  Expect for the fact that we're separate most of the time and dinner consists of In and Out at nine at night.  Luckily the YW president's daughter has been taking Emme for us during mutual.  She comes into YW soon, so I'm not so sure how that's going to work out.  Suggestions at keeping a one year old busy during mutual?  Sundays are also hectic and I'm often told I look exhausted.  Not sure how to take that exactly other than "you look really bad today."  Good times.  Hopefully it doesn't sound too much like complaining.  I love the YW program, love the women I serve with, and love the girls.  I guess Gregg and I just feel a little like we're failing at our callings is what I'm trying to say.  We hang in there though.

Emme is her usual busy self.  I'm told by many people how active she is.  Gregg and I are pretty used to it and have the house Emme proofed for the most part.  It's not easy when she's let free at new places, but she is really good to ride in her stroller in the mall or cart at the store.  For how energetic she is, she doesn't mind being strapped down like a lot of kids do.  I think she's a normal 1 1/2yr old and the calm relaxed ones are the odd ones.  :)  Her new love is climbing.  I'm actually glad she can climb now because I don't worry so much about her on things, as she can now get down by herself.  It's still not unusual for her to take the crash landing route once in a while.  She still puts everything in her mouth and loves to eat paper.  Her newest thing is to reach into the fireplace and grab pellets and sneak them in her mouth.  I can't get her to eat certain foods, but she'll eat ash.  I don't get it.  She loves to talk on the phone and will give a big MUAH to who's ever on the other line.  She's a little cuddle bug and gives the tightest squeezes before bed.  She loves her daddy and screams with delight when he gets home from work.  I love that she is understanding us more and more and learns a new word almost every day.  She's our smarty pants.  I wouldn't have her any other way than our zippy, ash eating, Emme.

We're all looking forward to March.  St. George, Beauty and The Beast on Broadway, and family coming for the Hunger Games premiere are all on the list.  Bring on Spring!  

I Know...

I have a one year old living in my house. Major posts are in order, but maybe if I keep delaying them I can stay in denial that she's not really one. Hopefully soon I'll find time to get on the computer and make a "real" post. Between Emme, work, and my calling there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. Or to rephrase that enough energy in the day. I'm enjoying that girl so much.

And because every post is way better with a picture here is my little walrus.

Nailed It

I found this on Pinterest today and laughed until I cried. Man, does this sum up my baking skills. Like the time I used pancake mix instead of flour for cookies. Yeah they were fluffy alright.

Rudolph the ?

I'm finally getting the courage to post a video that happened back in December.  You can call it stage fright, brain cramp, or just plain forgetfulness.  I like to call it funny and that's why I'm sharing.  

*The video quality is very poor because it's from my phone.  If I'm ever ambitious enough to actually hook my phone up to the computer I'll post it in better quality.

I Am Thankful...

To live in this country and for those willing to sacrifice leaving their families, wives, and children.

A few months ago I did a new clients hair. She brought in her little girl that was close to Emme's age. I soon found out her husband had been gone for months training to serve our country. I broke out in tears because I couldn't help but think of Gregg being gone and away from Emme. Thanks to all those that help our country stay free.

The R house had this video posted. Watch it, but I warn that you will cry.

Lover's Deployment and Return from David George on Vimeo.

Understanding and Supporting Pregnancy Loss

Over at the R House {an adoption blog} she discussed pregnancy loss. Whether it be early in pregnancy or later in pregnancy. I have never been pregnant or close to, but the articles were good enough that I wanted to share them. Through them, I learned how to better understand, help, and talk to others that have lost a child during pregnancy. I've known many women who I am close to that have lost babies. I hope I didn't say anything at the time that might have hurt them. Sometimes when you see people that have children, it's easy to forget the struggle they went through to get them here. We're all in this together so let's be a little more kind and understanding.
Start here
Then here
Then go here.

Mother's Day

It's a well known fact Mother's Day has always been hard for me.  I will admit this year was much easier.  I would still get anxiety every time someone would bring up Mother's Day, then I would remember I was a mom now.  I think it's hard to throw away feelings you've had for years and years.  I thought this year would be tear free, but it wasn't.  I was pretty much a blubbering mess through all of sacrament and then again during my lesson. I thought the bishop was going to call me in to see if I was okay.  He didn't for the record.

But man....

I cried...

I cried for Em's birth mom and the extreme love I have for her.  She made me a mom.  Words just can't explain.
I cried for Em's birth family.  They made so many sacrifices for our little girl.
I cried for all those who are still waiting to be moms.  
I cried appreciation to our Heavenly Father that I am a mom.   

So there's always next year to try again for a dry faced Mother's Day, right?

and, What's a Mom Post without thanking my mom and mother in law..  I know they have cried many tears for me over the years.

none"ya"business

My friend Kara posted a link to her facebook that I loved. I looked at a few more videos by the same person and came across this one. Believe it or not I've heard many of these lines before. Like, "now that you've adopted you're going to get pregnant" and "I wish I could get pregnant for you. It's so easy for me." I realize everyone has the best of intentions and I know I've said way DUMBER things before so I don't hold it against them. It's still funny to have a giggle over it once in awhile.

new view

Things are going to change around here.

I've always worried about what people have thought about my blog. Maybe it was because I tended to be a little judgmental of others or maybe it's because I'm insecure. Who knows... I've come to realize that I can really only be me. To an extent I have been by sharing pictures, trips, and mostly recently adoption things, but I've left out a lot of the details of my struggles with infertility and the woes of my broken body. As I embark on yet another dose of a drug called Lupron, I've decided I need to get my feelings out if I'm going to make it through with a good attitude. Back when I discovered I had edometriosis I didn't really have anyone I could talk to or relate. Through the blog world I've found others going through similar things and it's helped me more than I could imagined. I thought about starting a new blog to focus on my endo and such, but in all honesty I have no extra time for that. I rather be playing with Emme. So things might be getting a little more personal up in here. If I can help one person suffer a little less than I did then I've done my job.

Love is...

Cleaning up my throw up.

Yep, you read right.  I had a rough week as far as my body is concerned.  I came home from work Tuesday in immense pain from cysts on my ovaries making my endometriosis  flare up to no end.  When my body couldn't take the pain any longer I threw up down the hall, all over the bathroom, all over me, and finally into the toilet.  TMI, I know, but I don't really care.  The last time I threw up was in 11th grade when I had the flu, so it was a surprise to me.  I felt like I was five years old and unable to make it to the bathroom on time.  Gregg was right behind and said "Just go to bed I'll clean up everything."  Well, I had to shower first, but when I got out I had clean clothes waiting on the bed and a garbage can next to the bed in case I had another episode. (Which I did.)

The point of all this is to share what a great husband I have.  He has a horrible gag reflex and yet throughout the years he has cleaned up my puke, emptied my bed pans, held my hand while I screamed at a gyno appt, gone to the store millions of times to buy "feminine" products, and given me blessing after blessing to comfort and heal my broken body and heart. 

I'm positive he got the raw end of the deal when we said "I do." We're still standing seven years later.  We've been a little beaten up a long the way, but we're stronger and blessed beyond comprehension. 

Happy Anniversary.

So I've pretty much stunk at this daily post thing. I'm blogging from my phone because I'm too lazy to sit at the computer.

Little Emme gets bigger every day. We put on some jammies last night and she couldn't even extend her legs fully. It's sad to see her growing so fast but very exciting at the same time. She's also been smiling and cooing and even giggles here and there. Pics to come soon. She melts our hearts more and more each day.

I'm still amazed by how everything has fallen into place. I remember thinking getting a child seemed impossible for us. Gregg and I will occasionally say to each other "I can't believe we have a baby." Adoption is a powerful thing. Thanks to that and our wonderful {M} we are parents.

You Will Read, and You Will Like It

Yep, I'm obsessed.  If you haven't read Hunger Games yet...DO!!  Gregg and I have been waiting a year for the final book in the series to come out.  The countdown is over and it came out yesterday.  I was at Borders first thing.  The lady at the register dug out a 50% coupon from the trash that she let me use so I bought Gregg one too so he wouldn't have to wait for me to read it.  It's that good.  Someone told me Costco had all three for 30 bucks, which is an amazing price.  GO. Buy. ENJOY.

Holy Heart

Where do I begin?  I really have no idea.  I've been debating back and forth whether I should post about my most recent hospital experience.  I decided to post in case someone who reads our blog has what I did and they can get well too.

I've always felt like a pretty healthy person.  Little did I know the last three years would suggest otherwise.  Now I can truly say I'm healthy and better than ever.  Well, as soon as I get back in my exercise routine. ;) 

I've had odd migraines since I was in six grade.  They happen very rarely, but when they hit they were horrible.  Symptoms included...Loss of memory, loss of feeling, unable to understand other people, talking and writing in gibberish, and on top of everything I had the normal migraine signs. Ya know, losing vision, excruciating pain, sensitivity to light-sound-smell.  They lasted about 6hrs and would fade into just a pounding headache for a few days.  Well, guess what?  Apparently these are NOT normal migraines.  They mimic mini strokes and little did I know I was a ticking time bomb.

The night we moved out of our townhouse I got one of these awesome migraines.  In fact, I had been getting them closer and closer together.  While washing one of my cousin's hair at work a few days after I brought up my horrible migraine which I rarely do.  I don't usually talk about how crummy I feel.  Who wants to hear about that when they're getting their hair done?  Another lady getting her hair washed overheard me talking.  Her stylist came up to me a little later and asked if her client could talk to me.  I said of course, but had no clue why.  Little did I know she would potentially save my life.  She told me she had overheard me talking and couldn't keep still until she talked to me.  She explained what I had was a hole in my heart.  This causes the kind of migraines I was having because of dirty blood escaping through the heart and going straight to my brain.  How did she know?  She had the same thing, but didn't learn what is what until she herself had a stroke.  She kept saying over and over that I needed to go get checked and how serious she was.  She scared me enough that a few days later I was in the doctors office.  They sent me to a cardiologist.  I had tests done over about a month and sure enough, I had a hole.  One of the tests shows levels of potential "dirty" blood getting to your brain.  On a scale of 1-5 I was a 3 holding still and a 5+ while bearing down.  No wonder I had dizzy spells all the time.  The doctor said I was at huge risk for having a stroke if I didn't have surgery.  He also told me if I had gotten pregnant and not known it could have been deadly.  Many women have died during labor due to stroke.  Even if we knew about it I would be on blood thinners during pregnancy, but it wouldn't help the risk during labor or right after.  Huh, who knew I'd been so protected. 

Surgery was supposed to be simple.  They went through a vein in my groin and inserted a little device that blocked the hole in my heart.  We found out the size of my hole was 10mm which is almost a 1/2inch.  Cause for concern of a clot getting through starts at 2mm.  Pretty scary!  Everything went great, but I ended up getting "red man face" and they had issues getting the vein to stop bleeding.  After a full day of endless blood, pain, and two shots in the incision I was finally good to go home.  Let's just say numerous people have seen my privates and I now know what it's like to use a bed pan.   I've also decided there are some nurses who need more training.  I've had a few echos since surgery and my heart is doing awesome.  Because of my age it has been healing fast and I have no restrictions.  My odds of having a stroke are very very low now. 

In a way I feel very blessed that this happened when it did.  I felt like Heavenly Father was telling me "You've had this your whole life, but NOW is the time you need to know about it and get it fixed,"  Gregg has given me many beautiful blessings that tell me of His plan for me.  Most of the things he said were sacred to me, but one I wanted to share was when he told me I would be healthy and now ready to be a mother.  I'm so thankful I have followed the sweet quiet promptings of the spirit.  I'm also thankful for a husband that has always been by my side and taken care of me through the downer times. 

*This is pre-surgery even though I already look like I've been through the ringer.

Summer time, and the livin's busy

I haven't totally forgotten about my blog. I have tons of events I'm planning on posting one of which would be us moving into our new house. Because of this we thought it would be a great idea to wait until summer is over before we get cable and the Internet again. We're too busy to watch and use it anyway right?! Well, truth is I actually miss them both very much (what is happening on SYTYCD for crying out loud). So hopefully soon I'll be back up and running.

Salt Lake City 5K

April this year was a HUGE month for us. 
-We sold our house
-Gregg turned 30
-Kelsey won Junior Miss
-We RAN our first 5K
-We closed and moved out of our house

You read it right!  Gregg and I had a strong urge that we needed to put our house on the market.  We followed the prompting and only four weeks later we received 3 offers in one weekend.  We accepted an offer and a short three weeks later we moved out and closed on our house.  Gregg and I have both accidentally started to drive to our old house only to realize we're going the wrong way.  It was an odd feeling after everything was moved out and our house was empty.  The lady who bought it was perfect for our home and we know this was meant to be.  We feel so blessed to be able to sell during this insane housing market and can't wait to get into a bigger home.  More details to come...

In other news, through all the craziness this month Gregg and I along with Staci, Megan, Lisa, and Ty ran our first 5K.  I say ran because my only goal for this time around was to never stop running.  We have done the Race for the Cure before, but I wasn't able to run the entire thing.  I hit my goal and I look forward to many more races in the future.  One of the reasons I was so proud of myself is that because of my endometriosis it has been very difficult for me to run  in the past.  I once asked my doctor about it and he said "oh hon, you'll never see a girl with endometriosis like you running a marathon."  I may never run an actual full marathon, but I feel so happy that my endo is finally under control enough that I can endure a few miles.  Gregg on the other hand is a power house!  He runs a 5K almost every time we work out.  He got to the finish line a whopping 10 minutes before me!  I'm also so proud of Megan and Staci.  They were amazing!  I hope we can all stay a little running group.  We'll have to think up a team name or something. 

Guess Who's Back?

ME!

My computer is now back at home and I am back in service. I'll just start by confronting the elephant in the room. No, we haven't heard anything. That seems to be the #1 question when people see me. We're doing great though, and are at peace. We know things will happen when it's right. I think everyone hears stories of people chosen within weeks of getting approved, and in all honesty this is unlikely. That's why the stories get spread around, because it's very uncommon. Did I hope that would happen to us? Of course, but we really feel at ease about how things are going.

Now on to funner things...Here's a few pics from Christmas.

This was my present for our famous white elephant exchange. Stacey was the lucky winner. I'm sure it's posted in her room.

Classic movie...Don't ya just love it?

Our little Hercanator doing what he knows best in Idaho. Hiding.