Failure to Conceive

Emme is 20 months old. It feels like she's always been here and yet time has flown by. She is still so smart and I love that I can understand most of what she says and wants. Just today she called a banana, banana instead of nana. It was bittersweet. She still adds a lot of jibber jabber in the mix too. I'll be sad the day she fully loses her baby talk.
With Emme being the age she is I have noticed people with kids her age are starting to get pregnant. I know Gregg and I would be too if we could. In fact in January 2011 I had a disappointing appointment with my doctor. The pain from my endometriosis was getting strong again despite being on birth control to help keep it at bay. I was told I needed to go on Lupron again and after it had calmed my endo we needed to go straight to infertility treatments to try and get pregnant. You see thats the best thing for endometriosis. I completely lost it in front of my doctor. He was very sweet and comforting but couldn't change the lot I've been given.
Emme was only about 4 months old at the time and a lot of my tears came from not having a long enough break from my endo/infertility and I didn't know if I could handle being on a crazy drug while being a new mom. Of course i want more kids and Emme to have siblings, but did I have to think about it so soon? I had the tender mercy while on it that although it was hard at times (ie. cyst bursting, shingles, and catching any sickness that came around because of my low immune system) I got through the emotions Lupron puts you through. It actually seemed better than the previous times crazytown wise.
The Lupron eventually wore off in July and we were able to start artificial inseminations in August. It didn't work that month and we had a strong feeling I needed to have a surgery to clear out the remaining endo to give us the best chance to get pregnant. After my laparoscopy my insides were the clearest they've been in years and years. We felt really good about our choice to continue AI's.
Month after month we were disappointed when each test came out negative. I can honestly say I still had hope after each failed attempt that we had a baby coming soon. I really felt we were doing the right thing. One month I even "felt" very pregnant and my due date would have been around Halloween. We talked about cute ways to tell our families one of which included telling everyone Emme was going as a big sister for Halloween this year. Sure enough the test came out negative and I realized it was probably just the Clomid making me feel pregnant. A cruel joke if you ask me.
We kept everything very private for multiple reasons. It was hard enough to tell Gregg I wasn't pregnant let alone anyone else. We also wanted to shock everyone with our news. Something we've always been jealous of others for.
The time came for our last AI. I still had hope. I could just see our Heavenly Father making us endure and granting our wish right at the end. Like always though the endo pain came right after ovulating and to our devastation the time came to test and it was yet again negative. Goodbye, hope.
It looked like our enduring was really only beginning.

The Agape Project

Gregg and I had the opportunity to participate in a very special adoption video. It turned out great and makes me tear up every time I watch it. Just try and count how many times LOVE is said. Adoption really is such a loving amazing thing. Although, our journey has been hard and continues to be, I feel so blessed that we are one of the lucky ones that get to experience such a miraculous event. I love Emme's birth mom so much. It's a love that is truly unconditional.

Please enjoy and PLEASE PLEASE share on your blog and/or Facebook. So many people need to be educated on what a selfless act adoption is.

Much love,
Lacey

Birthday Zoo Day

Gregg's birthday was a couple weeks ago and he wanted to take Emme to the zoo to celebrate. It goes to show the kind of dad he is that he wanted to do something for his daughter instead of himself on his birthday. I foresee many more birthdays where he makes it about his kids. Emme loved the zoo and we loved watching her experience animals we always talk about in real life. She is finally at an age and the weather is good enough that we are able to take her to the zoo and have her understand what's going on. I can't wait to take her back and I'm sure it will be a summer hot spot for us.


To my delight the giraffes were by far her favorite part. I didn't even have to persuade her in any way. Although the multiple giraffe stuffed animals she has couldn't have hurt. :) We had to work extra hard to get these pictures because she couldn't take her eyes off them.











I can't even tell you how long I've waited to have a child pose in front of the gorilla wall.





Telling daddy about the elephants.

Egg Hunting in Idaho

We were able to go to Idaho for conference weekend. As usual we had a blast and were able to get in an egg hunt, kite flying, and lots of treats. Emme loved finding eggs, but had to stop at each one to eat some of the candy.

Spring Vacation

We got to take a trip with my parents to St. George recently. We also spent a day in Vegas.  After packing a million things we forgot our camera.  Thank goodness for phone cameras or we'd have no proof of this vacation at all. 

Gregg and Emme at the outlet mall in Vegas. 

Grandpa and Emme at the Ferrari dealership.  We paid for "VIP" access, but weren't allowed to take any pictures while inside.  We also went to the Shelby Museum at the race track and got to watch people drive expensive cars. 

Emme loves my dad and he was good enough to pack her around most of the day. 

Waiting for the fountains.

She loved when Vegas came alive at night.

Enjoying warm weather at the park.

It was sad when it was over and Emme cried when my parents left.  She kept asking for grandpa the rest of the week.

Geneology

 I was four when my grandma died.  I also maybe only have four memories of her.  Some of which include her making us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with homemade bread/jam and another of her cleaning a wound on my foot after I had stepped on a nail.  I remember loving her unconditionally and getting lectured by my mom that I was going to wear her out.  A term I didn't understand at the time. 

What little memories I have of her I've always held close.  Thanks to my understanding of families are forever I knew, even at that young age, that I would see her again and will see her again.  

You can imagine my enjoyment when a couple of years ago I had the opportunity with the young women in my ward to have a private tour of the Relief Society Building at Temple Square.  Because we had a connection to someone in the General Primary Presidency we got a special tour through the offices of all the women auxiliary presidents.  In one of the locations, there was a huge binder full of woman's names who had donated to the making of the Relief Society building.  When I searched for some names I knew, I was delighted to come across my grandmother's name. 

 I daydreamed of her surrounded by other women in her ward hearing the news that the Church was needing donations for this special building.  I know my grandparents were never wealthy and I softened to find this hidden treasure and the fact that she too had a strong testimony, so much so that she would donate what she could even though they had little.  Yes, maybe there are thousands of names in those binders, but it meant the world to me that I would find a grandmother's name who had been long gone.

I have had a lifetime without her, but I know we have forever together.   

It Hurt For a Reason

 Imagine being a little kid at school.  You were told at the beginning of the day that you would receive a cookie if you were good and did everything your teacher told you to.  Some of the kids in your class were bad and some were obedient just like you.  The time comes that your teacher pulls out the desired treat and starts handing them out to everyone.  You notice everyone getting one even the naughty kids while you are left standing without.  "But why," you ask the teacher?  "Just because," she says, "It's not your time." You watch as others enjoy their cookies.  It makes you sad to have to watch while you desire it so much.  Lo and behold she brings out another box!  You think for sure you'll get one this time.  Yet as the box becomes empty you realize you will again go without.  This happens a few more times.  Didn't you follow the rules?  Didn't you work just as hard and even harder then some of the kids?  Why do you not deserve a cookie, even a morsel?

Of course I'm not really talking about cookies at all...

I've been thinking a lot about "those still waiting."  My heart aches for them because I know exactly how they feel.  Gregg and I will have to work for every child that will come into our family, but at least now we are parents.  We have someone who calls us mom and dad, who gives us kisses before bed, who reads us books in her own language, who has constant snot and drool coming from her nose and mouth, who dances to the hot dog song, who sings to us in the car, and most of all someone who needs us just as we need her. 

So as I watch her grow and her personality shine through I think of those left sitting without a cookie waiting for their time.  Don't they deserve it as much as the rest of us?  They most certainly do!  For reasons unknown to us there are those who suffer from infertility.  Including myself.

So of course there is a reason we cry when we're left childless year after year because parenthood is great.  It really truly is.  Is it hard?  Of  course, but that's for a whole different post.

Recently, one of my best friends told me how her family had started telling her she needed to "get over" her situation and be happy for those who were getting pregnant around her.  I also recall a few comments to myself that if we were to never have kids in this life we would need to be okay with that eventually and support those who have kids.  I didn't want to support other kids, I wanted my own.  Call me selfish.  I realize it's nice to fantasize when you have 4 or 5 kids screaming at you all day and you just want some peace and maybe even wish it would be nice to have no kids at all, but that is not okay to say to someone that is trying their very hardest to be a parents.  Trust me, it gives no comfort. 

Have patience with those around you who are waiting.  Don't take it personally if they aren't ecstatic and asking all the questions people ask when you're pregnant.  It's really not personal.  If we didn't face this challenge we'd be right along with you, but we do face this trial and there are days that we are hurting to the core yet we still have to sit and listen to our coworker or whoever talk about their pregnancy all day. 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is just please give those a break who are suffering from infertility.  As we try to overcome our bitterness and demons there will be days we cry or are mean or just have to leave the room.  I apologize for that, but like I've said our pain is real and it is valid.  Why?  Because parenthood IS great and parenthood is a noble thing to desire.