Emme is 20 months old. It feels like she's always been here and yet time has flown by. She is still so smart and I love that I can understand most of what she says and wants. Just today she called a banana, banana instead of nana. It was bittersweet. She still adds a lot of jibber jabber in the mix too. I'll be sad the day she fully loses her baby talk.
With Emme being the age she is I have noticed people with kids her age are starting to get pregnant. I know Gregg and I would be too if we could. In fact in January 2011 I had a disappointing appointment with my doctor. The pain from my endometriosis was getting strong again despite being on birth control to help keep it at bay. I was told I needed to go on Lupron again and after it had calmed my endo we needed to go straight to infertility treatments to try and get pregnant. You see thats the best thing for endometriosis. I completely lost it in front of my doctor. He was very sweet and comforting but couldn't change the lot I've been given.
Emme was only about 4 months old at the time and a lot of my tears came from not having a long enough break from my endo/infertility and I didn't know if I could handle being on a crazy drug while being a new mom. Of course i want more kids and Emme to have siblings, but did I have to think about it so soon? I had the tender mercy while on it that although it was hard at times (ie. cyst bursting, shingles, and catching any sickness that came around because of my low immune system) I got through the emotions Lupron puts you through. It actually seemed better than the previous times crazytown wise.
The Lupron eventually wore off in July and we were able to start artificial inseminations in August. It didn't work that month and we had a strong feeling I needed to have a surgery to clear out the remaining endo to give us the best chance to get pregnant. After my laparoscopy my insides were the clearest they've been in years and years. We felt really good about our choice to continue AI's.
Month after month we were disappointed when each test came out negative. I can honestly say I still had hope after each failed attempt that we had a baby coming soon. I really felt we were doing the right thing. One month I even "felt" very pregnant and my due date would have been around Halloween. We talked about cute ways to tell our families one of which included telling everyone Emme was going as a big sister for Halloween this year. Sure enough the test came out negative and I realized it was probably just the Clomid making me feel pregnant. A cruel joke if you ask me.
We kept everything very private for multiple reasons. It was hard enough to tell Gregg I wasn't pregnant let alone anyone else. We also wanted to shock everyone with our news. Something we've always been jealous of others for.
The time came for our last AI. I still had hope. I could just see our Heavenly Father making us endure and granting our wish right at the end. Like always though the endo pain came right after ovulating and to our devastation the time came to test and it was yet again negative. Goodbye, hope.
It looked like our enduring was really only beginning.
