Isn't it funny how when you look back on something it all seems so clear? That's how I feel about our Artificial Inseminations. Obviously now that I know they didn't work I can tell you it wasn't meant to be. Like when you're dating someone that's no good for you, but you can't see it until the relationship is over. Something like that.
I didn't cry the day the last test came out negative. I was more pissed and confused at life. Too shocked to have tears. There was some real devastation in there as well. I was so sure one of the cycles would work that it didn't cross my mind that they wouldn't. Gregg and I didn't even talk about it for days. Too sensitive of a subject. One we didn't understand or have a clear picture of yet.
It's not that I regret doing AI's or even did right after they were over. I knew it eventually had to be done and the timing was right for that, just not for adding an addition to our family. Our inability to get pregnant that way had to be proven.
In talking to my doctor recently he said we could do as many AI's as we wanted, but that he did think we put in our best effort and it was now time to move on. I feel at peace that we did our part.
I have moved on from the disappointment of the AI's. Gregg and I have now had many conversations about it. I've even shed some tears. I feel it is important to morn the loss of a child that never was, before we can jump whole heartily to another path. It doesn't sting so much anymore. It is what it is and we're ready to move on. Although at times I feel a pierce of what could have been, this experience has made me except our infertility that much more. Which in looking back I can say I've come a long way. Like half way across the world long. Not quite around the world, but half and I'm okay with that.
Now we're ready to look to the future. We've decided through much thought and prayer, fasting, and more prayer that adoption is our next step. I get butterflies when I picture us being privileged to welcome a new baby to our family through adoption. I hope and pray we do. We so want more children and we so want Emme to experience siblings like we did.
So, with that said, welcome paper work and all that jazz...the Alexander's are ADOPTING!
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6 comments:
Love it!!! Can't wait to talk to you during my hair appointment!
YAY! I'm so excited for you guys!
Woo!!! SO excited for another new niece or nephew :)
can I just say that I LOVE this post!? Every single thing about it. I love your honesty - sometimes I feel like we're all too scared to talk openly about our disappointments. I'm sorry you've had to go thru so many ... but am THRILLED for your next chapter. Couldn't be more happy for you -- a little baby out there is going to be so blessed to be a part of your family!
Half way around the world is progress, right? Its probably a little easier to move on now that you've done all you could do. I'm glad you're at peace with your decision and i'm happy and excited for this next phase for your family. Emme will be the best big sister! Some little baby in heaven is leaping for joy to be brought into your family.
yay i am so excited for you guys. it sounds to me like you really have come a long way and i am so impressed by your courage and grace. praying for you and happy for your next adventure. :)
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