How Come?

With it being Infertility National Awareness Week I thought I'd share a few thoughts that have been milling around in my head lately. Lucky for you.

Recently, I was getting to know an acquaintance better. We asked each other the usual questions: are you married, how many kids, where you from? She then asked if I wanted more kids and I said "yes, very much so". Then comes the awkward moment of do I bring up the fact that it's something we can't choose or just let it go? I see her enough that I figured I better just lay it out there and not make her feel bad when she finds out later.

"My daughter was adopted so it's not a very easy thing for us to have more kids." Said me trying to say it in a easy going manner.

"Oh can you not have kids?"

"No." (Was that not obvious?)

Now here comes the question all of us infertiles love some much. (Note the sarcasm).

"How come?"

What I always want to say at this moment is "non ya." "Why do you care?" "Do you think you can cure me?" "I'm sure you have a friend that had the same issue and magically got pregnant (she did)." "Aliens came and stole my reproductive organs so they could make human babies on the planet of Zorg."

First off don't ever ever EVER ask someone why they can't have babies. Is it okay to wonder? Sure. But don't you dare ask.

"How come" is always asked in such a nonchalant way. Like all the invasive tests and unknowns were so easy and when you do have a few reasons why you can't pregnant you easily move on. NOT!

She didn't see me bawling like a baby in my doctor's office or again when I told my mom over the phone. For me to give you a careless answer to such a relaxed "how come" would demean all I've been through.

Secondly, you don't know more than my doctors do. Chances are, we've heard it all.

Thirdly, we don't want to talk about our husbands sperm and I'm pretty sure our husbands don't want us to either. That's just weird. Don't be weird. Again, there are a team of medical people we've already talked to. That was bad enough.

Be understanding that our "how come" may be very personal. You wouldn't want someone asking about your, uh um..."bed life" would you?

Fourthly, if you've had a friend or relative or dog that has had similar experiences you should already know better. Okay, but seriously...that doesn't mean their experience will be the same as ours. So far I have not magically gotten pregnant and maybe I don't want to try eating only broccoli while standing on my head. Our paths are different. Get over it.

What you can say is this. "I've had a sister/cousin/friend go through a similar experience and I witnessed how hard it was for them. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this." "If you need someone to listen I'm here." I'll keep you in my prayers." Get the idea? If we infertiles ask questions back then you may share your thoughts.

Lastly, don't feel down on yourself if you think you have done this. I'm sure I've offended others multiple of times not understanding what they're really going through. I honestly like the girl that most recently asked me why we couldn't get pregnant. I know she didn't mean to hurt me and I'm sure she has trials I lack in knowledge about too. I just hope I helped give a little insight into my world of thinking so you can better understand others like me.

Happy Infertility Awareness Week. Now you are all a little more aware.